You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
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