I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
