I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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