His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
