Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
