i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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