dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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