i was born a porn star she said
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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