I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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