Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
