In the future we'll all be gay
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
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Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
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Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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