Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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