just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
