Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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