And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
