cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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