My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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