so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
