but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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