So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Are my feet made of real feet?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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