Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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