What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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