The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
