Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
