I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
