once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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