I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You're a waste of cheezeits
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
