In the future we'll all be gay
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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