Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
