A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
