Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
