Are we in a gay sports bar?
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
