Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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