Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
