He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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