I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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