Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
