My boss' voice literally gives me gas
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
