My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
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The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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