I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Dignity is for republicans.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
We're too hungover to prance.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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