So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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