is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
