So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
did i just pee glitter
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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