sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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