to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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