Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
