I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
