i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
