if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
