I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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