He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Life is so much better after having sex.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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