well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
