I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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