I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
