Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
