Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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