So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
