i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
